Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
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Not messing around
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
oppen heimer style lol
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’