ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
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I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse