Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?