Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
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So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain