Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Oceanography is all about current events
A small tragedy.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
This guy gets it.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.