When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
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Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
How dude HOW?!
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.