ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
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superman landing like a plane on his belly
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.