Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
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WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.