ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
X-tra spooky blend