Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
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1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.