Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
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Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]