Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
You Might Also Like
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
[eats all your cotton candy]
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER