Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.