Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
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why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I’m a self-made hundredaire
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
sleeping beauty
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.