me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
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I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.