me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
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[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People: