me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
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Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack