ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
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Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.