ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
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Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out