Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My first son he is wonderful
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”