Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
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get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.