Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
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People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I don’t think my car can fly