Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
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If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.