Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
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10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I get distracted pretty eas
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF