Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
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The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen