@gerryhallcomedy: There's no such thing as "elevator etiquette" buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

@TheCatWhisprer: [pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral] sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

@NerishaLakha: I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down...... inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

@mattZillaaaa: My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

@ArfMeasures: DATE: I'm a historian, I love the mediaeval era ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*