@GrowlyGrego: YOU'VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL. *grabs face* *whispers* You're goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

@TheAlexP: *drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts* Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you're doing? I'm a sexy fireman, rawr.

@uccjeb: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you're up. Million dollar idea.

@amazymay72x: Me: Cleaning the basement. 12yo boy: Let me know if u need help. 13yo girl: Let me know when you're done. Yep...throwing out HER crap.

@zachv86: i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, "who is he talking to?" then i thought "who am I talking to?"