Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please