It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
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[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.