ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
im all 3
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
We decided to have money instead of children.
$3 #books
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
😆this is so true
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.