ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
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last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
handsome & gretel
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer