Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
You Might Also Like
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function