ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
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her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Still my favorite headline of all time:
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
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me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
me: my friends:
My patience has stretch marks.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing