ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
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[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
The morning after pill, but for tweets
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
White Castle for the Win
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir