He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
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This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
time for some seasonal decor
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore