Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
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Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.