ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”