ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
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How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u