*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
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Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Same pineapple, same
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven