me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
You Might Also Like
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Good morning, Twitter x
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
May never get over this
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”