me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
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I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.