Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
You Might Also Like
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!