Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
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As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters