Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
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Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Yup….perfect score!
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time