Never go to sleep after making me angry
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ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?