Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
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God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Where is your GOD now????
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home