Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
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“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”