ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
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*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
He’s cranky this morning
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
The cashier just checked me out.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes