ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
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If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.