ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
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Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
A small tragedy.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Canadian owl: Eh?
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?