ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
uh oh
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.