Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
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Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.